Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Newly wed couple
this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i'm flat chested.
husband: i don't believe u..prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im "weighed like a baby".
wife: i don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
Medium
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
Speeding
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Orange Penis
A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
my friends